By: Brandan Spiegel / @beaniespiegs
Well hello there happy Ravens fans. We sit here with more wins this season than half a season a year ago. Let's get the parade route ready! Okay, instead of that, I'm just going to hate on a piss poor franchise once again that isn't meeting anyone's expectations. Sound good to you?
If not....well I got two words for ya...
1. The way we lost last year
Seriously? We lost to them last year? In a season that we all want to forget, we lost to this moronic franchise thanks to an assist by Elvis Dumbasservil getting a damn facemask penalty and putting them in field goal range. I mean, quite possibly the worst way to lose a game, AT HOME..EVER! Like...WHAT THE HELL?!?!? We found so many ways to lose games last year but this one really bugged the hell out of me. Thank god we swept the Steelers last year, am I right?
2. Red Zone Channel at the Stadium?
Are you freaking kidding me? The product is so bad on the field that you have to offer the Red Zone Channel on the big screen? Honestly, no it's not. You have one of the best possible passing offense personnel in football but don't worry, the Titans are driving and I need to know if Demarco Murray scored. Get the hell out of here. I get playing to fantasy football players but you literally are just begging people to come to the games. Just go to London already. Your fan base is trash. They still want Tebow to play QB for them. Even Mets fans know Tebow is a publicity stunt!
Yes before you all flip your lid, I know the Ravens play highlights at the game. Generally that is during halftime or during TV breaks. So....zip it Debbie Downer!
3. You still haven't retired Brunell's number
This is quite possibly the best WTF pose I could find. Why not?!? I legitimately don't understand why this hasn't happened. Was he the greatest QB of all time? No. Best in Jags history? Absofreakinglutely. Let's not forget that when this franchise first came into the league with Brunell(and Tom Coughlin) they were a Super Bowl contender....no not in Madden. REAL...FREAKING...LIFE! Brunell and Jimmy Smith made nightmares for many an opponent. As a Baltimorean, I have never liked John Elway or his horse teeth. Hello. he said he would rather play for the Yankees than be a Colt. Watching Brunell knock his favored Broncos out in the opening round? Priceless. Retire his number already.
Yes...I know he is in their version of the ring of honor, it's not good enough for what that man did with little to no running game. You know, until Fred Taylor arrived.
4. I bet we could all still get tickets
Today's game is played in Jacksonville. I bet we could go down there at 12:55pm and still get tickets. If it were here? We could do it at 12:55 pm....on the first day of sales. It's bogus and truly bothers the living hell out of me. I'm pretty sure I have said this before BUT let's remember that Jacksonville was thought a better choice for football than Baltimore. Obviously...Paul TagliaDOUCHE hated the thought of football here. Better to build a museum he said, maximum douche I say.
5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Bortles
No! You will not ruin a childhood passion of mine just because this douche's name rhymes with turtles...or Mortal (Bortles Kombat). Maybe I'm the only one who looks at memes a ton (just for this article alone I spend quite some time) and I see them all over the damn place. In Mortal Kombat screen shots, stupid pictures like the one above, cropped pictures with turtle faces over his and the list goes on. I could just be jealous that my name is kinda lame and the only cool thing my friends could think to call me was beanie or Jean Claude Brandan.
Legit, my phone at work says it. You're welcome America.
So there you have it! Want to hate on the Jags some more over silly reasons? Feel free to hate some more in the comments. I love to spread the hate, Jags lives DO NOT matter. Well...actual Jags maybe but...screw it. Go Ravens, beat the Jags! Better? I thought so. Stay hateful my friends.